When I Decided to Heal.
No need to rush anything; healing is a process that requires time and space.
Healing shouldn't be comfortable and suit you well. It will give you a sensation of loneliness, helplessness. No to mention all the judgment and negativity that has been thrown at you.
I remember one day when I succeed to break that chains of torment; to release myself free from the dark clouds above me, misleading whispers around me. I finally got myself back; I owned my freedom back.
However, that freedom was last long yet leaving a big hole inside; or most of the people called it trauma. At first, it sounded too much for me. It didn't suit me. Simply because I didn't want to admit and consider myself as a victim. But the hole was slowly showing that it has the strength to drag me deep down inside, hard for me to get out. Months later, I aware that this peculiar emptiness wasn't even faded away. It grew strong and deeply rooted, generated other doubts and bad feelings.
I started to feel skeptical about my own future. It quite deconstructed the way I noticed most of the things in life. Particularly, about the unseen things. I hardly feel compassionate, attracted, fascinated by what love has tried to show me simply through people or events. The opposite, I easily belittle and underestimate things. I ignored people, didn't want to see the goods they probably might do or show.
And from that moment, I began to realize that my previous relationship has left me scars. It left me wounded.
--
If there will be something I regret in life, it will be to own such a horrible relationship with someone who was never used compassion, and put forward possession and ambitions instead, to master each other. Simply to find self-satisfaction and took full control of somebody's life and stole it away.
I called him A Great Abuser; and he stole my freedom away.
The abusers won't let you live in peace, they simply want to make you suffer and turn you into someone pathetic so there will be no time for you to consider what's gonna be the best for you, except you decided to stick with them.
At least that was actually what my mind tried to convince me.
Then my mind kept telling the same. More of it..
They simply want to make you feel bad about everything that has happened. With or without reason, you will easily get mad and dissatisfied about being alive and for making some decisions in life. They were able to turn power into fear; confidence into anxiety; belief into doubt.
They simply ask for recognition and validation that they are the best and deserve to get our obedience. They simply seek for what matters, from outside of themselves; by destroying others’ visions of future. They kept muttering, that sticking around with them was the only option we could take. They can't find their own peace, so they finally decided to take others’. Their mind is fulfilled by doubts, disappointments, distrust, so they hardly see beautiful things in life.
--
It was a tough time. It was indeed an effort to wake up from a dream. One really bad dream.
It was like releasing yourself free from chains that hold you back for so long.
It was the moment when you decided to let yourself free; even you know there will be huge pain burdened your soul yet still knowing that you'll be alone along the process.
--
I was aware that when my freedom taken away from me; it will exactly be the moment when I must get my power back.
I decided to heal.
However, that freedom was last long yet leaving a big hole inside; or most of the people called it trauma. At first, it sounded too much for me. It didn't suit me. Simply because I didn't want to admit and consider myself as a victim. But the hole was slowly showing that it has the strength to drag me deep down inside, hard for me to get out. Months later, I aware that this peculiar emptiness wasn't even faded away. It grew strong and deeply rooted, generated other doubts and bad feelings.
I started to feel skeptical about my own future. It quite deconstructed the way I noticed most of the things in life. Particularly, about the unseen things. I hardly feel compassionate, attracted, fascinated by what love has tried to show me simply through people or events. The opposite, I easily belittle and underestimate things. I ignored people, didn't want to see the goods they probably might do or show.
And from that moment, I began to realize that my previous relationship has left me scars. It left me wounded.
--
If there will be something I regret in life, it will be to own such a horrible relationship with someone who was never used compassion, and put forward possession and ambitions instead, to master each other. Simply to find self-satisfaction and took full control of somebody's life and stole it away.
I called him A Great Abuser; and he stole my freedom away.
The abusers won't let you live in peace, they simply want to make you suffer and turn you into someone pathetic so there will be no time for you to consider what's gonna be the best for you, except you decided to stick with them.
At least that was actually what my mind tried to convince me.
Then my mind kept telling the same. More of it..
They simply want to make you feel bad about everything that has happened. With or without reason, you will easily get mad and dissatisfied about being alive and for making some decisions in life. They were able to turn power into fear; confidence into anxiety; belief into doubt.
They simply ask for recognition and validation that they are the best and deserve to get our obedience. They simply seek for what matters, from outside of themselves; by destroying others’ visions of future. They kept muttering, that sticking around with them was the only option we could take. They can't find their own peace, so they finally decided to take others’. Their mind is fulfilled by doubts, disappointments, distrust, so they hardly see beautiful things in life.
--
It was a tough time. It was indeed an effort to wake up from a dream. One really bad dream.
It was like releasing yourself free from chains that hold you back for so long.
It was the moment when you decided to let yourself free; even you know there will be huge pain burdened your soul yet still knowing that you'll be alone along the process.
--
I was aware that when my freedom taken away from me; it will exactly be the moment when I must get my power back.
I decided to heal.