Strength in words.

I strangely recognize myself with a lot of wild things spinning inside my head, recently. I began to feel confused, pressured and saturated, and somehow it all led me to insecurity. Being insecure of not being enough, quite familiar?

If there is one thing worth learning during the lockdown, it is knowing that insecurity has been my greatest weakness.

Recently, during the situation where some of us are losing our sense of interaction physically due to directive preventive action - social distancing, I hardly comprehend certain things in my daily. All seems mixed up and confused me later on. Everything seems not quite right, doesn’t make sense and far from good. I often feel dissatisfied and ended up like me having unfinished business. It’s like working on a puzzle and there are remained missing pieces. No matter how hard I tried, somehow it won’t ever be completed.

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Nevertheless, it will be a never-ending list to write all of the unpleasant things. So, day after day, I decided to finally let the thoughts hanging just there around my head instead. I surrender, yet at the same time, I managed it not to master my entire self. 

I collected some words. I read a lot, and somehow I found words that are quotable. And what's even better is, I found strength in them. They described my weaknesses, my struggle, my feeling of discomfort, the anxieties.  They just appeared and I quoted them like my daily mantra;

Everything hangs on one’s thinking.. A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is — by Seneca

I decided to learn about Stoicism, in the last couple of months and hard to take my mind off from it ever since. As it emerges and grows popular these days as a worth applying life philosophy, the point of Stoicism told me a lot about letting go of fear, worry, dissatisfied feeling, that might be occurred while we are pursuing worldly attainment. This quote reminds me over and over about how important to set your mind free from destructive self-talk. And instead, to think of tiny and simple ideas to help me get through the day.

Furthermore, this quote depicts as a manifestation of the importance of preserving positive self-talks while struggling to survive from doubts of the outside world has thrown. I find it relatable almost in every occasion, to convince me that every thought should be a reflection of how you value yourself.

It’s okay if productivity looks different in this season — by Morgan Harper Nichols 

This quote, gently, bringing a huge change in me. After all this time, I indeed survived from the gravel and winding roads, which wasn’t easy, or always straight. I managed to survive, but I barely understood that I was being too hard on myself. I pushed myself for pursuing the best, yet ignoring the essence of being good. I forgot that every circumstance is deserved to be treated as learning, instead of an endpoint. A recent feeling of insecurity teaches me to understand that no matter how small of my good deeds, efforts, outcome, performance, it all will remain stay as a form of progress.

I’m too afraid of not being good enough and noticed by others that I’ve done so many.

The current situation, caused by the appearance of the outbreak, has brought us some changes that we didn’t expect to be this huge. unwittingly, it also changes the way I see ourselves in making progress towards the work I entail or personal and social aims. As if there is one big boundary that holding me back from doing my best, creating what’s best, going further. 

But, once again, I was pressured to think all at one single moment. I realized this moment might not be the right time to force progress at the expense of my mental health. it doesn’t really mean that I should give up easily for my work, but as an attempt to simply cherish every minute spent to get my stuff done.

You won't be enough for anything in the world. But you'll always have enough time to think of the opposite, if only you allow it. - By unknown (or probably, by me?)

Since ‘being enough isn’t enough’ has become such a worthy way to live in modern life, I consider it’s still necessary to take time, and re-evaluate it, especially during tough times like today. It doesn’t always mean dropping the standard or expectation down, however, it simply being gentle and wise enough to reset your aims at a certain level, where you don’t have to seek for reasons to blame yourself for trying.

Now and again, I wonder if only hardships exist in the way we wanted it to be; it won’t shape us as it is now. As unknown said, we grow from the challenge we endure. Therefore, it will be noteworthy to value ourselves not based only on our failure.

I'll let myself know that today is not like any other normal day, and it's okay to feel that somehow you can't fill all the boxes of your to-do list properly; feel productive all the time from your crib, which is I know it's impossible; I simply want to appreciate myself for being human; The best version of human I can be.

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(2020, April. One day, in the near future I want myself to recognize the purpose of me writing this - to be a reminder that I've been through a situation, a tough one, where people are striving, fighting against crisis and one rare pandemic, which unfortunately succeed to shift people's cycles and habits. Yet somehow, we managed it to survive. I survived.)